Monthly Archives: December 2017

Relationship Advice

For most of us love swings into action in a jet set tempo. A whirlwind tour of some distant exotic island. Filled with red hot intensity, with wild episodes of passionate sex. The spine-chilling sensation of discovering someone new is mind boggling. I would like to refer to it as the preliminary stage or the stage of euphoria, where each of you think he or she is the last man/woman on earth. Every word, every touch, every glance seem like magic.

The sheer presence of this person creates a tornado and you are at the vortex. With time however, the intensity mellows. You get to know each other – warts and all. You see sides of the person which you thought never existed. Where is the epitome of perfection ? It is exactly at this stage where most of us go wrong. Because we are looking not only for the right person, but the PERFECT person, a near impossibility. Just look at yourself first. Are you perfect ? no one is on this earth. Sooner we realize this, sooner we stop chasing a mirage, a pipe dream.

Consider this scenario. You have met the person who fits your choice completely. Not only do you find this person physically attractive and a sure turn-on, but intellectually too this person gives you meaningful company. Thus to use this cliché, you have fallen head over heels in “love”. One fine day, the “near perfect” god-sent person starts to annoy you. You find out to your utter dismay that this person has no sense of personal hygiene.

His/her erratic ways, something which you found extremely “cute” is actually extremely dirty. His/her underclothes, wish you never saw them. His/her dresser, makes you wear a mask because of the stink, you turn away, every time he/she opens his shoes, because the sole pair has now a couple of holes in it. And worst of all he/she keeps the toilet open without flushing it !

Enough is enough. Gradually, other flaws get magnified. What about his/her behavior in the presence of other attractive people ? Was there a bit of serious flirting that you noticed ? What do you do under these circumstances ? What action does it demand ? Dump and run for life ? Well, to make a personal view, I don’t think you ought to do that. Yet.

Though these may look like extreme examples that I sighted, but believe me, these can be true also. When we first begin to notice the flaws, the deficiencies or the unexpected becomes expected, we shiver. Many relationships end here and proceed no further from this point. A much-chased dream gets shattered. The romance fall apart like a house of cards.

But if you accept that no one is really perfect, and you too might have certain shortcomings which are abominable also, then you don’t give up. You graduate to the next level of the relationship, with newer challenges as newer horizons open up. A brand new level of intimacy, which is more matured can get trigger after this first crack-down of illusions. Many of us just clam up at this stage, or we resort to anger and irritation. Some of us just vanish and run away into oblivion. If you decide to follow these steps (often may be cowardly), then sorry, you are missing out on a golden opportunity to get elevated to the next grade in the relationship.

Euphoria in any relationship can not be a permanent occurrence. Or it would not be called euphoria in the first place. When euphoric love ends, there begins another phase – the phase of seeking permanency in the relationship. You suddenly ask questions like, can I live my entire life with this person ?

Will she remain exactly the way she is now? Do I want children from her ? How will she be as a mother, and more such. These are very important steps in life for any one. Along with the questions therefore, also creep in fear and insecurity. Very natural thing to happen again. But this whole thought process often throws us off gear, as we were not prepared to face so many questions before.

Quite a lot of us, read too much into this fear and presume it’s a signal of our unprepared ness or an indication for us not to proceed any further. This is because, the moment we start thinking about a person who will feature in our lives very prominently, we become over-cautious and more critical in our views.
While we think and re-think, let us also not ignore the good sides of the person, which made us to come to this stage in the first place !

Learn to enjoy this phase of the relationship – which is replete with possibilities and opportunities. Last but not the least, remember this word “Love” means life-long commitment, a difficult proposition for many. It is a process by which we learn to love ourselves, the person who we are sharing our life with and others around us.

In case both of you decide to carry on with the relationship to walk towards permanency and commitment, remember, this is the most critical time. Love can not survive without adequate nutrients. Its like that little sapling, which can only grow with the help of food and water.

As Erich Fromm wrote in The Art of Loving, published in 1956, “The art of loving is like any craft. It requires patience, confidence, discipline, concentration, faith, and practice daily.” The only thing in life that is constant is “change”. Relationships are no exception to this rule., As it changes, it grows, ripens and becomes more stable, weather-beaten and strong.

Maturity in any love does not occur at the press of a button. It takes years, passes through numerous ups and downs, traverses many rivers and oceans before a person can have a “mature” love for another person. Your priorities, in order of preference should be love thyself, then your partner, and then your family.

Is a Dream Relationship

When people are in love, too often they think about making the relationship last for a long time. This is especially true for those who are not yet married but serious in their commitment to each other. It’s natural to do this because getting in and out of one relationship to another can also be quite tiring.

So if you ask whether a person can have the relationship of his or her dreams, the answer is yes, it is always possible. But there are certain factors to consider in order to achieve this. Remember that people have different personalities and it’s only when you get a better understanding of your partner’s character traits that you’ll be able to decide if you’re meant to be together.

A major consideration is to determine the type of behavior you will allow and not allow in your life. In this case, you will have to envision yourself in various situations and learn how to deal with reactions of your partner.

Express yourself. This is one area where many people find difficult to be honest due to certain fears. But this is a mistake because how would your partner know and understand your message if you’re not being honest to yourself and most especially to him or her.

Don’t worry about the negative reaction you will get once you say what you want to say. Just as long as you’re conveying your message across and you’re honest with your thoughts and feelings, there’s nothing to be stressful about.

Another area where you should set boundaries is tolerance. Okay, so you’ve been told to be more tolerant of your partner and accept him or her wholeheartedly. But it won’t hurt as well if you tell him or her that you’re done with the unbearable behavior. Sometimes, it helps that you simply tell your partner that you’re not tolerating a certain trait although you have different values. This is one of the best ways to let you keep your dignity and sanity and earn the respect of the person you love and care about.

Setting boundaries also mean deciding that you’re not going to let another person mess up your life. If, for instance, you’ve been dating someone who’s constantly late or doesn’t show up making you look like a fool, it’s a sign that you’re not being respected. For women, this is most crucial and emotionally stressful but then again, you have to learn to say no. It’s easy for men sometimes to apologize and promise not to repeat the blunder but if they see that you’re lax and not bothered by their behavior, they’re likely to do it again.

Steps to Creating Your Dream Relationship

Millions of singles across the world are looking to create relationship bliss. It takes time. It requires energy. It mandates desire. A lot of people have all that. What they don’t have is a valid and reliable Roadmap to Relationship Success. Whether they’re accessing Yahoo Maps or their personal database–if the information used to create a Roadmap is faulty, they’ll end up lost. If you’re single and feeling lost, here are five easy steps that you can take toward creating your dream relationship.

Step One: Define your belief system

Ask yourself this question–what information have I built my belief system upon? If you don’t have a precise answer, it’s likely that your database is full of faulty information. Thus, the first step toward relationship bliss is to determine what were the sources of information that went into creating your roadmap. For example, if you’re a man and believe that if you rescue a woman, or if you’re a woman who believes that you need to play the role of damsel in distress, then you have based some part of your belief system on a fairy tale. Bad thing to do! Great relationships are created when two strong people work hard to create a loving and beautiful relationship. Rescuers and damsels in distress often suffer from low self-esteem. So, as you define your belief system, which includes morals and values, be on the lookout for useless knowledge that needs to be deleted and replaced with personal truths that will propel you toward creating relationship harmony and success. Create this new information from reality and personal experience, not from fairy tales, movies, and soap operas.

Step Two: Stop doing what you’ve been doing.

Look back at your relationship history. Do you constantly repeat dating rituals and patterns? If jumping into bed by the third date is common practice, has this worked for you? If the answer is “No,” then why do you keep thinking that this will lead to relationship success? I’m a fan of Seinfeld. One of my favorite episodes is when George decides that since everything that he does leads to unhappiness, he will do the opposite of his natural instinct. And, it works! This, of course, is an exaggeration of what I am recommending. But try being “George” for a day–break out of your fruitless habits and try something new. If going to bars to meet people hasn’t worked, then go to a bookstore. If getting physically involved quickly hasn’t worked, then wait. Break a link in your chain of unfulfilling habits. What do you have to lose?

Step Three: Stop running from emotional pain

At a young age, we learn that pain is bad. Documenting knowledge about pain began from the moment you were forced out into this world from your mother’s womb and felt that sharp slap across your bottom. With this slap, you were introduced to a harsh reality of our world: it is full of painful experiences. With every emotional and/or physical painful experience in life, you have the opportunity to write and store knowledge about pain. You add new volumes every year. Moments of unhappiness, confusion, failure, depression, and the act of making the same mistakes over and over, all present the opportunity for you to write and store productive knowledge about pain. The problem is that most people, who continuously struggle in relationships and life, create volumes of identical information about emotional pain. They never take the time to write new lessons about pain. Instead they run off to the next relationship, crawl into a bottle, or numb themselves with drugs. Take time to learn from your emotional pain, don’t run from it–it’s telling you that you’re belief system needs to be updated and you need to make different choices. Think of your emotional pain as an ally and teacher who wants to help you create a happiness. Pain isn’t bad, it’s a necessary experience on the road of personal growth. The great news is that the further along the road you get, the chance of experiencing relationship pain diminishes.

Step Four: Don’t ignore warning signs.

If you have suffered a lot of painful relationship moments, it’s likely that you ignored warning signs that danger was looming. We all want to believe that we have developed good assessment skills and that, for the most part, most human beings are loving and caring. Thus, when we see or experience a relationship moment that doesn’t quite feel right, a lot of us are inclined to brush it off or give the person the benefit of the doubt. Not a good thing to do! If a warning sign appears, don’t ignore it. Rather, play close attention and deal with it. Why spend months or even years trying to create a lasting relationship with someone who is not right for you. Do you really think that you can change them? Do you really think the behavior that led to “red alert” is an isolated incident? Don’t kid yourself. Move on and find someone who doesn’t cause you anxiety and pain.

Step Five: Love yourself first

A lot of people look to others to make them feel like a whole person. You’ve likely heard the expression, “My other half.” I use the expression, “My other whole.” If you’re looking for another person to fulfill you, good luck. Try fulfilling yourself first. Once you feel that you are an empowered individual–that will not accept any inappropriate behavior from a significant other, you are well on your way to relationship bliss. A person who loves him or herself, values him or herself and won’t tolerate anyone treating him/her poorly. Learn to be alone and happy with yourself. Then go out and look for a partner. You’ll likely find that your standards will be far higher and, with that, you’ll attract a whole “new and improved” population of prospective mates.