Monthly Archives: April 2018

Great Love Relationships

Why having a great relationship is so important for all of us?

We cherish love stories because they show us that it is possible to be perfectly loved. All around us people talk about romance, soul-mates and endless love…while being in normal, safe but dull relationships. Is this a collective dream?

What are we all looking for in the dream relationship?

Beyond all the conscious reasons we say in public: “he really supports me,” “she is caring and attentive,” “we have so much fun together,” is one hidden factor very difficult to put into words, or acknowledge.

As we all go through life developing into the full beings we need to be, there are some unfulfilled aspects left undone while we were growing up. Some childhood needs such as being accepted by our parents, being respected or fully appreciated were missing. Parents can be very busy, very unsuited to the task of parenting or simply lost in their own needs to recognize their children’s vital needs and those reactions leave a very deep mark. Other times, parents are really abusive and inflict untold humiliation and verbal abuse on their children.

So, why do we need the great relationship for?

Because in our imagination, we are now selecting the person who will exactly heal us from childhood needs and emotional wounds, and make us, finally, whole persons. This ideal person will give us the acceptance, adoration and care we need to complete the task of growing up. This is the hidden request, the one we don’t express, and don’t ask for but expect and wait for.

How come this person I have selected myself as to be my adoring partner shows the same cold disinterest as I received from my father?

He has been chosen precisely because I saw in him the potential to give me enough adoration as to compensate old needs and make me whole! If we can begin to think of the other as our partner in this adventure, the first task is to know: what does he needs from me that he never received from his parents?

What was unjustly denied to her as a girl, that now I can provide?

People can tell different reasons for breaking up, but never accept the bitter disappointment that breaking up this invisible promise produces. It is a reality that sometimes we pick up, select and marry people who will treat us the same way our parents treated us, so perpetuating the abuse cycle.

Ignoring our own unconscious choices, we now feel that hope is lost, that we are back in the untenable situation of our childhood, with rejection and without any support or love…with the difference that now, we can’t even dream with a better future, because the future is here and this person is utterly disappointing us in this level….Now, the marriage is at its lower point and heading for disaster.

Whatever the quality of our marriage, we keep waiting for the ideal person who can make us whole by accepting and loving us complete, as we are. Our parents loved us conditionally, trying to make us the people they expected, not what we were then.

Now, if there is deep disappointment with our present partner, there is always the dream to ask us to look beyond the marriage barriers, to any other who can fulfill the hidden promise. So we either get lovers, or get divorces and thus begin all the cycle again. Common marriages not addressing this hidden need can be relationships that qualify only as “pretty good.”

But what creates a really great relationship?

A great, possible great relationship begins with making this hidden contract visible. If she was emotionally abused as a girl, the promise is: “I will never abuse you, and even more, I will give you enough support as to make you trust again.” If he was an unappreciated boy, the promise is: “I will make you feel uniquely valued and appreciated in what you are, so you can have back a healthy self-esteem.”

When we say to each other: I Love You Just the Way You Are it better include this point: “I love the hurt child inside you, because he/she is a beautiful child deserving all my love, and I promise not to abuse, hurt, diminish or make fun of this child, but to support him and make her grow.” If we think that we can help each other “just forget the past,” and begin a new life together now, we are playing with fire.

Both partners and their inner children need to be embraced, loved and healed by constant attention. Do you know what the best gift is? Give your beloved something connected with the stories she told you about being a child and wishing or needing something that was never provided, and give it to him.

The number one secret of a great relationship is accepting our partner EXACTLY as they are. We are wrong to try to change him, but is even worst to ignore the same inner part of our loved person we promised to accept and nurture. To create a great relationship, say and mean, “I love you as you are now, and I love also the child you are inside.” No denial of this hidden needy aspect, no further rejection of his wishes as immature or childish. Give your attention to this lovely child, show compassion and tenderness and wait; the complete human being that you need to grow into is coming, and also is his adult person flourishing by the attention.

The ultimate marriage covenant is to help each other’s self esteem to grow, healing past emotional abuse and walking together to more adult situations, which can’t be reached if we don’t heal the inner child before. If we ignore each other’s needs, failing to provide support in this shared growth towards adulthood, we are cheating the promise of marriage, and behaving as careless and rejecting as our own parents were with us in the past.

If you are serious about loving and accepting your partner as she or he is, please, include their personal story in the program and accept that now, you are each other’s healer of past wounds. This is your key to make each other happy.

Five Steps To The Love You’ve Been Dreaming About Since You Were a Little Girl

Maybe you’re in a long-term relationship, or maybe just met someone you’d like to be in one with. If it is a new one, you’re hopeful, but there is the nagging doubt – will it be different than any before. You tell yourself, why should it be? So far nothing has worked out for you. Long term/short-term they just don’t seem to last, is it the stars, your fate – nothing has given you the dream relationship you’ve been dreaming about since you were a little girl. You are practically to the point of giving up.

Don’t…

What if what I’m about to share with you could give you the relationship of your dreams, the one you’ve been imagining all along, the type that makes you jealous when you see it. The one you can’t believe you could have, and to top it off, it will be easy and fun to achieve…

Each of the steps listed below will get you there. They can work on their own, or together they will make you irresistible…

Step One – Keep Your Life

You need to have your own life…

What you were doing before you met your current partner, or what interests you now outside of the relationship needs to stay in the picture. You need to have interests outside of HIM.

This is crucial –

wow, I know it can feel like it is hard to do
you just want to be with him
you don’t want to wonder what he is doing with the time you are not together
you may feel like doing things by yourself or with others besides him isn’t as interesting
you may have to force yourself to create this separateness

In creating this space…

you automatically become more interesting to your man
you start noticing his curiosity
with that your self-esteem starts to grow, which creates a snow ball effect of more curiosity, more self-esteem, more love…

Step Two – Pole Dancing/Lap Chair Dancing

The Spark That Ignites…

Almost a year and a half ago I went out with a man I met on a dating site. I wasn’t attracted to his picture, his profile was OK and he asked me to go to something I had no interest in – a football game. But, I figured I wanted the experience of dating – it had been about a year since I broke up with Mr. Toxic, so I accepted.

We went out on a couple of more dates, but I couldn’t imagine being physical with him. I started liking him more, but still couldn’t receive his physical affection. It seemed like he was getting pretty frustrated with my lack of physical interest, and we probably weren’t going to see each other anymore. Then a light bulb lit up for me… maybe the lack of physical attraction wasn’t about him but instead had something to do with me – not feeling comfortable with a new/different man than my last partner.

One of the sessions on a relationship program I was taking had a lap dancer doing her lap dance for her partner. Watching it, I physically started getting aroused. I started to learn/practice what was being taught, and as incentive I decided to email the man I had been dating to tell him what I was doing… that I was going to take a lap dancing class near him. He said why don’t I practice on him. That Saturday night I did, and our relationship has been among other things the most sexually fulfilling, loving relationship I’ve ever been in.

I am certainly not that, or wasn’t that, nimble in my dance (I’m in my late 60’s), but the candle lit atmosphere of the room, the music I picked, and even my shyness created just what was to be needed to make for fun, and a connecting evening and beyond.

If for some reason sex has lost its luster in your relationship, or it hasn’t even begun yet for you this may be a fun way to be intimate together.

Step Three- “DOER SHIP” Not To Be Done

Maybe you, like I, am a doer. Among other things, I’m a CEO of an Architectural/Engineering Company, mother of 4 adopted children, grand-mother to 5, relationship coach and lover in a relationship. Maybe like me you are not, or have not been one to sit around. If something appears wrong, you’re probably there to fix it/change it/definitely not ignore it.

All of that needs to change…

Doers-ship is a trait that kills a romantic relationship; it is a masculine trait. When you are with your beloved, he wants you to be a feminine women.

Feminine is –

As an example – If you were in a rowboat with your man

not picking up the oars,
making yourself really comfortable
leaning back and relaxing
enjoying/appreciating your man’s strength and fortitude
verbally expressing how happy and relaxed you are – with words or sounds
not initiating, planning, controlling what you do when you are with your man

Allow him to plan, do what it takes to do things with you
Expressing appreciation when this happens
Being receptive/opened up and obviously appreciative to any and all of his initiations of affection, caring or loving
Learning how to receive without feeling like you owe something back
If you want to do something this is it — “Do Nothing”
Appreciation works even better with feeling messages – words “That feels so good when you do… “, “Ohhhhhhhhhhhh”, ” I love how that feels when you touch me like that”, etc.

Step Four – Words/Sounds/And When to Shut Up

I recently realized I’m a nervous talker… especially around my man who is very masculine, talks when he has something meaningful to say, and can often be just quiet. I always thought I was relatively quiet, but when nervous, anxious, in a low self-esteem mood my tendency is to want to chatter. If you are like me, you may want to start working on this…

Chatter with men is like feeding them garbage, and they have just as much taste for it as if they were eating garbage…

Masculine men seem to be more real – tell it as it is which often needs very little words, and if they are “deep” usually there is some profundity/deeper meaning to their words.

They basically connect with us/have intimate sharing with us through “beingness”/quietness/peacefulness or doing something together often involving no words.

On the other hand – they love when we appreciate who they really are.

This can be done through:

Our “feeling” words expressing our happiness to be with them, who they truly are, and their “doings” whether for us or for others
Our sounds – they seem to love hearing our sounds – genuine grunts and groans, coos and excitements again all related to our true feelings.

Step 5 – Turn Your Beloved Over – ‘Vibrational’ Surgery

Lying in bed – Test your push/pull vibrations

When you’re lying in bed next to your beloved feeling unloved, he’s turned away from you
You can REALLY feel rejected
Not the time for words
No asking “why have you turned over”
No turning to him and putting your arm around him

INSTEAD

Try turning away – be real with yourself.

Start thinking about yourself as a very beautiful creature, a goddess, a siren.

Start REALLY feeling into these loving thoughts about yourself, your good qualities, how wonderful you truly are, then start giving your beloved good thoughts.

think of his good qualities
giving him good vibrations from your heart to his
think about many things you love about him – detailing these in your mind

Giving this a bit of time…

Really feeling these qualities for both you and him
See if your beloved, if he is not asleep, doesn’t turn over and put his arm around you or touches your leg with his toe